running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Randomize
