The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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