I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
