Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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