i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
