we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
