I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I want her autograph on my taint
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
