I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Randomize
