I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
