From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
