apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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