It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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