At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
should my penis look like a turkey
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
