im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Randomize
