I hate all girls vehemently.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
