life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
