Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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