how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
