A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize
