next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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