Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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