I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
