You just made me feel so damn special
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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