My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
