He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
