The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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