my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
