SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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