I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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