I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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