You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
