I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
