About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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