Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
