I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
