Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I believe in your delicious
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
