Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
