Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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