I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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