I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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