I just saw a hot homeless man
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
