It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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