sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
