Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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