It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
