i just wanna soil my oats bro
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
