Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
