I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
