Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
