So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
