It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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