If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
